There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
Did you wake up next to Karina?
So that's her name
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
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