imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
I wish I could go about my daily activities with his dick inside me
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
Randomize
