mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
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