Where did you get a picture of my penis
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
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