I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
we were so desperate we resorted to lego blocks. nuff said.
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
we're driving around with this really dirty (unclean and inappropriate) 60 year old ex-san quintin con named old skool d that my brother knows and hes bringing us to get weed. what is montana?
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
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