he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
But is that really the name you want to scream out during climax?
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
whose parrot is this?
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
Randomize
