Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
4 words: hood of his car
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
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