My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
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