upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
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