genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
Randomize
