Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
