You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
OMG OMG OMG I just throwed up in his pillow case when he wentto start the sho wer, time to grab my bra and bounce!!!
Wow.
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
