You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
Randomize