The elaphant ear plant popped a new leaf ! Wahoo !
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize
