If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
we could easily be the first people to smoke 3 bowls and pound a Four Loco before goin on a tour of the Tillamook cheese factory
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize
