the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
Randomize
