she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
yep. it's official. for $40 they will let you lick the stripper pole.
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
Randomize
