I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
Capitaan dildo arrescate!
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
just got dressed up for chatroulette- THAT desperate.
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Randomize
