Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
maybe tonight we can turn coloring into a drinking game
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
Randomize
