You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
I think you should just bang him and get it out of your system.
That's what you say about everyone.
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
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