my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
I'm convinced her vagina is similar to chernobyl, but I want to visit it for the novelty value anyway.
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
There was puke outside of my classroom and lecture was half empty. Damn thirsty thursday is intense
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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