Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
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