Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
But he does seem to be getting proper humping etiquette down. So there's progress.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
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