How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Randomize
