the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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