there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
he used the word "rubber" i just couldn't do it after that.
No vaginas are yucky and I don't think you're old enough to handle one yet
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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