please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
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