My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
OMG. if college stays like this, theres no way i wont be pregnant by first semester
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
Well regardless of where or with who you will be blacking out and i will be pouring shots down ur throat like a baby bird
Just start grabbing cocks. It can't go wrong! Just say you thought you knew him and wanted to check.
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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