I think I kinda wanna bone that ginger from Harry Potter.
You literally just made my flesh crawl.
I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
Randomize
