I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
Need sex. Gaining weight.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
Randomize
