Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
Some small part of me hopes I'm on the probationary list because of seeing the Dean at that fetish party.
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize
