i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
My balls are so social today.
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
