I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
Randomize
