I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
drinking warm bud heavies i found in the garage and googling how to tell the gosselin kids apart.
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
Yeah he kicked my ass... He probably wouldnt have hit me as hard though if I wasnt lauging and yelling " I fucked your sister I fucked your sister" over and over again.
We have 10 gallons of home brew. And james has an amazonian blow dart weapon that sticks in bags and the wall. Come over
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
Randomize