I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
Randomize
