He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
according to the video, you won you first drunken karaoke contest based off of your actual singing abilities and not because you took your shirt! I've never been prouder :)
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
Randomize
