OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
Randomize
