I know it's VERY late and i know i may have burdened you, but on the chance that it's sat nite- are you up or willing to be? Christinas camping and i'm chillin alone.
I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
Randomize
