He just left - my room smells like that cheese they put on nachos and cigarettes and beef
Yo quero taco bell
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
Randomize
