i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
Randomize
