I assume you are not resopnding because you are having sex thus i give you a text message high five
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
Does boxed wine and camel crushes signify a college date? Lets hope so
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
The cops high fived after they tackled you
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
Randomize
