pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
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