I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
I understand Curling. That high.
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
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