i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
Weren't you self-described as an 'arab' slut?
No?
Well my cheeks are red now
it was the worst sex ever in the history of sex. i mean ever. and he thought he was great. actually told me he was the best id ever had...what was i supposed to say? lol...i've had better times by myself. seriously.
So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
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