haha i took a picture of myself naked on her camera
She didnt have a camera...
Where are I am going home with Ryan
I don't know who this or Ryan is but it is probably too late to talk you out of it
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
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