last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
i have one question about last night
if this is about your fridge being filled with hotdogs, sour cream, and PB&J open-faced sandwiches, i can explain
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
No way hahaha I have zero intention of adding him I wanna just join in on a three some but mostly just be there for moral support and snacks
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
