Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
if he wont fuck me on the stairamster then i dont think theres much XXX shit going down
Not even desperate vagina wants small cock.
Glad to hear you raised your standards
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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