Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
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