Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
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