i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Randomize
