My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
