I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
