you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
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