It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
ID DO HER
SHE HAS LUMPS OF DEODORANT IN HER ARMPIT, I THINK ONE FELL IN YOUR DRINK
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
The girl next to me in class is taking notes on woman's suffrage with a girls gone wild pen.
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
i think we sleep fucked last night...
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
Randomize
