There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
well, mom whipped her new boobs out at the dining room table. So yeah you could say we had a pretty casual thanksgiving
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
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