you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
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