I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
Randomize
