my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
