hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
Randomize
