I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
while i am personally glad that we met...i feel like for society as a whole it was a bad thing
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
Randomize
