Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
should I fuck that poor girl
no dude she won't be able to afford a fucking abortion
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
No. I just want to cuddle and talk about our feeling. Of course this a booty call.
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
Randomize
