a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
being pregnant is like rehab
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
hey can you send me that pic of that dude?...if this isn't Rochelle's phone...can you please find and tell Rochelle to send me that picture of that dude?
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
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