At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
Randomize
