Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
1 I really miss college walks of shame 2 I think I may have killed this girls cat
My econ prof just gave me a shot glass because I was the "randomly picked" winner of the lecture. Ties into our supply and demand lecture, supplied with a shot glass, demand a thirsty thursday
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
I just got carded by a ten year old.
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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