my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
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