It's like God shit irony all over that family
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
Randomize
