I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
Randomize
