how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
Randomize
